We’ve all heard the story plenty of times before.
A small town kid defies the odds and makes it to the big time.
So what makes Florida State’s Head Football Coach Jimbo Fisher’s story different for me?
He is from my hometown and small town- Clarksburg, West Virginia.
It was always hard for me to relate to those small town stories. I lived in one, and I rarely ever saw someone make it out of Clarksburg to do something successful in the national spotlight. I’m sure there have been plenty of Clarksburgers who have gone on to be greatly successful in their respected career choices, but Jimbo is different. Jimbo did it in sports.
Sports, to me, represent something much bigger than a career choice. Sports are merely a pipe dream for most kids. Something unimaginable. If you ask any child under the age of 10 right now what they want to be when they get older, you would probably get answers such as: astronaut, the president, doctor, lawyer, and professional athlete or sports coach.
Jimbo’s job represents a childhood dream that actually came true. Then you throw in the fact that he’s from my hometown, and it inspires me, motivates me, and encourages me to pursue any dream that I’ve ever had.
Jimbo has driven on the same streets as me. Jimbo has eaten at the same restaurants as me. Jimbo played sports against the same high schools as me.
Shit, Jimbo’s mother taught me Chemistry and his brother taught me Drivers Ed in high school.
It all seems unfathomable to me. Jimbo is just like me.
Jimbo IS me.
And that’s what makes it amazing and unreal to me. One of us Clarksburgers actually made it.
It is so easy to fall into mediocrity when you are from a small town. But Jimbo aspired for more.
He did it the right way too. Well, I guess you could say it was the long and hard way (which I consider the West Virginia way).
Starting out as a graduate assistant at Samford in 1988. To Offensive Coordinator at Samford in 91. To QB coach at Auburn in 93 then Cincinatti in 99. Then QB coach and Offensive Coordinator at LSU from 2000-2006 where he won a National Title. Then FINALLY getting a shot at a head coaching job at FSU in 2007… yet STILL having to wait on Coach Bobby Bowden to step down because he was the head coach in waiting.
Now, here we are, 25 yrs of hard work later, and Jimbo is about to coach for a National Championship in only his 4th year of head coaching.
Jimbo didn’t just make it. He is at the absolute peak of the mountain in college football coaching.
Jimbo’s story has not only taught me that dreams can come true, but to never doubt someone from West Virginia who is willing to do it the West Virginia Way.
The only sad part about all of this is that West Virginians weren’t able to keep Jimbo in state for any of this amazing run and enjoy it first hand.
We have to keep an eye on our talent that is willing to do things the West Virginia Way and support them the best we can.
Look no further back than this year when UNC wide receiver/return man Ryan Switzer from Charleston, WV tied the NCAA record with 5 punt returns in a season.
Or we can even look back to Jimbo Fisher himself in 2007 when WVU hired Bill Stewart off of a knee jerk reaction bowl win rather than surveying the other options and possibly hiring Jimbo who was on the market.
We have to do better.
The chip that a West Virginian can carry on their shoulder can be big enough to carry them to heights that we never thought they could ever achieve.
Jimbo is proof of that.
For those of you who are like me and think, “small town kid makes it big…. that never happens in my hometown”, I can assure you that Jimbo Fisher’s story is real.
I have never met him, yet he has still made a huge impact on my life. Through hard work and patience, anything can happen. On January 6th, I will be all in as a Florida State fan.
The great Frank Sinatra once said about New York, “if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.”
For Jimbo Fisher and WV, he made me realize something else.
If you can make it out of here, you can make it anywhere.
Yo, first of all, I’d like to apologize for my hiatus. It’s been a while since I blessed these internet streets with my insight and ZFG point of view.
Sometimes real life gets in the way of blogging about sports, hip hop, and bitches. There are more important things in life like….
Never mind, there really isn’t anything more important than sports, hip hop, and bitches.
But during this down time when I wasn’t blogging and I was busy climbing mountains, finding the cure for cancer, fixing the Obamacare website, and writing Kendrick Lamar’s “Control” verse, other shit happened apparently. Some shit that I guess I probably would have blogged about or shared my views on. So…. I guess this is my return. While I share my thoughts, go ahead and click the play button on my comeback song that you 90′s babies are most likely unfamiliar with. You’re welcome.
Since I’ve been Gone: Miley is out here defining this ZFG lifestyle
Honestly, I ain’t even mad at her son. If she wants to get her twerk on, let her get her twerk on. I know a lot of bitches are hating on her for not having an ass, but who am I to judge a girl who wants to shake her ass. When it comes to ass shaking, there’s only 1 rule that we must all remember “Only Juvenile Can Judge You”.
Juvenile did not die for our sins for us to just turn around and start saying who, and who can’t shake that ass.
On the real though, Miley is 1 of the best Illuminati members there is.
She knows if she cuts her hair, you gon talk about her hair.
If she air humps a foam finger on TV, you gon talk about her air humping a foam finger on TV.
If she bleaches her eyebrows blonde, you gon talk about her bleached eyebrows.
Although I don’t think all of this shit is necessary (I actually think she can make good music and is a pretty young woman), Miley’s got us right where she wants us.
And for those of you who are gonna act like she doesn’t make good music, you’re gonna act like this wasn’t your shit (LOW KEY) back in 08?
I saw you click on that
Since I’ve been Gone: Jason Kidd has transitioned from an old NBA player to a terrible Head Coach
Son, HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU SUCH A TERRIBLE CHEATER?
I know in the video Jason Kidd said “Hit me”. But what he should have said is “Hit me, so we can get a fake Timeout and I can give you my below average coaching advice, which will still lead to a loss.”
AND WHO THE HELL THINKS OF SOME DUMB SHIT LIKE THIS IN THE MIDST OF AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME?
At least when Mike Tomlin cheated he had the whole “I was looking at the jumbotron” excuse.
Jason Kidd is the worst kind of cheater/liar. He sucks at it.
He’s the type of guy to be your friend as a teenager and when you’re telling your mom a lie so you can go drink or see some girls, he is sitting there fucking it up like
Meanwhile you’re just sitting there looking at him like
If the Nets were smart, they’d just fire him now.
Since I’ve been Gone: People still out here taking selfies
Selfie takers are like fuckin coackroaches son. Just when you think you’ve killed them, they come back stronger than ever.
At this point in the Internet game, it has been established that selfies are for attention seeking, no self-esteem having, insecure, lonely, compliment fishing people.
But that hasn’t stopped them. Why?
They’ve gotten more creative with it.
See, essentially, taking a selfie is the internet version of real life when a middle school girl says “I’m fat”, and you say “No! You are not fat! You are beautiful! Stop it!”
When in reality, you just wanna say, “SHUT THE FUCK UP. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT”.
Selfie takers have adapted well. They don’t just take a selfie with no caption and upload it. They know the internet does not like that.
Now they distract your attention to cover up the fact that they are just doing it for attention by making fun of themselves, showing off a new purchase, or adding a song lyric to the caption.
I’m on to you guys. You can’t bullshit me.
I can’t wait to see how the Selfie Takers evolve. Selfie takers are like Pokemon. Every selfie uploaded to the internet is a real life Pokemon card, with the caption being their super power. It’s like all women are subconsciously having a battle on their timelines for attention.
Shit be like
Since I’ve been gone: Catching Fire came out, and Jennifer Lawrence is still sexy as hell & America’s sweetheart
Since I’ve been Gone: Molly/ Adderall has gone mainstream
I guarantee that there is an ADHD hipster out there right now who is screaming, “YO, WHAT THE FUCK? I WAS ON ADDERALL BEFORE ANY OF THESE COLLEGE KIDS THOUGHT THAT SHIT WAS COOL. STOP STEALING MY MOTHER FUCKIN SWAG. I LIKED ADDERALL WHEN IT WAS JUST A DRUG FOR KIDS WHO COULDNT KEEP THEIR ATTENTION LONGER THAN 5 MINUTES.YOUR ADVANCED BIOLOGY EXAM DONT MEAN SHIT TO ME. OH SHIT, CHIEF KEEF JUST DROPPED A NEW SONG. WAIT….WHY WAS I JUST SCREAMING?”
And I gurantee there is a drug addict hipster out there right now who is screaming, “YO, I LIKED MOLLY BEFORE MILEY EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DANCING WITH HER. IM THE ONE WHO IS REALLY ABOUT THIS MOLLY LIFE. I WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH MOLLY WHEN NO ONE KNEW WHAT IT WAS. THE PEOPLE WHO SOLD IT TO ME EVEN SAID “YO DAWG, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE FROM THIS SHIT”. I LOST MY WIFE, MY KIDS, DOG… IM LIVING IN A MOTHER FUCKING DUMPSTER RIGHT NOW. FUCK YOU COLLEGE KIDS AND THAT TRASH ASS EDM MUSIC. YOU LIKE “SICK DROPS”???? THE SICKEST DROP YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE IS WHEN YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WHO YOU LOVE DROPS YOU OFF ON THE SIDE OF THE FUCKIN STREET AND SAYS “GO FUCK YOURSELF”.
By the way, I’m not sure why hipsters talk in all caps. I guess they think their opinion deserves more attention than others.
But for real, molly and adderall are killin it right now son. Started from the bottom, now they here.
Since I’ve been Gone: Jacoby Ellsbury got rich, and this is what he should buy
1. A cheetah
For thing is first Jacoby, you gotta protect your money. That’s where the cheetah comes in. You don’t have time to get a “watch dog”. Dogs are for fucking peasants who have normal ass jobs. There ain’t nothing scary about a golden retriever barking at you. You need a full grown/cold blooded killing cheetah in your front yard. Set up an electric fence around your yard, slap some bracelets on young Simba, and boom bitch, you got yourself a safe residence.
2. a tank
Aight Jacoby, I know you’re gonna be having all kinds of pressure to buy regular shit with wheels. You know, like Ferraris, Bugattis, but don’t buy into that basic shit. People buy Ferraris everyday. Shit, I bet Donnie Trump has 5 or 6 Ferraris. You gotta establish yourself in the big city. Buy yourself a “Yank Tank” and just watch the bitches flock to you. I was actually in the club the other day and overheard a convo between 2 women and this is what they said, no bullshit,
Woman 1: You see that guy over there? He was just hitting on me.
Woman 2: Girrrllllllllll , he’s cute.
Woman 1: Ya, I really wanted to go home with him… but he doesn’t have a tank.
Woman: LOL. BROKE MOTHAFUCKA PROBABLY DRIVES A BENZ. THIRSTY MOTHA FUCKA.
3. Washed up New York rapper
Here’s the thing Jacoby- radios, CD players, and iPods are for BROKE people. Buy a rapper.
Here’s a suggestion: Papoose.
At one point, he was actually thought of as “the future of hip hop.” He probably makes about 40-60k a year, that aint shit to you Jacoby, just buy him
That way you can take him everywhere you wanna go. On the field, in the tank, in the kitchen…. just an ongoing 24/7 freestyle of forgettable bars yet live music
4. A bible
Because staying on good terms with the man upstairs is the most important thing in life.
Just kidding Jacoby. Who needs Jesus when you can buy a yacht?
Ball the fuck out young blood
Last but not least, Since I’ve been Gone: I still don’t give a fuck
ZFG is back bitches.
UPDATED BRACKET ABOVE ^^^^^^^^
SCROLL DOWN FOR PRIOR TOURNAMENT RESULTS AND TOURNAMENT EXPLANATION
Sweet 16 Results
1) 50 Cent- GRODT (41 votes) defeats 4) Jay-Z- American Gangster (9 votes)
3) The Game- The Documentary (31 votes) defeats 2) Young Jeezy- TM101 (18 votes)
1) Jay-Z- The Blueprint (38 votes) defeats 5) T.I.- King (10 votes)
2) Eminem- The Eminem Show (29 votes) defeats 3) Kanye- Graduation (21 votes)
Current Sweet 16 Matchups
1) Kanye West- College Dropout
5) Common- Be
2) Jay-Z- The Black Album
6) T.I.- Paper Trail
1) Eminem- MMLP
4) Outkast- Stankonia
2) Kanye West- Late Registration
3) Nas- Stillmatic
UPDATED BRACKET ABOVE ^^^^
GO HERE FOR 1st Round Results and Tournament Explanation —> http://zerofucksgiven.com/2013/08/20/best-rap-album-of-the-2000s-tournament/
2nd Round Results
1) 50 Cent- GRODT (21 votes) defeats 8) T.I.- Trap Muzik (2 votes)
4) Jay-Z- American Gangster (19 Votes) defeats 5) CamRon- Purple Haze (8 votes)
3) Game- The Documentary (16 votes) defeats 11) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter (11 votes)
2) Young Jeezy- TM 101 (22 votes) defeats 7) Rick Ross- Deeper Than Rap (4 votes)
1) Jay-Z- Blueprint (29 votes) defeats 9) DMX- Grand Champ (1 vote)
5) T.I.- King (18 votes) defeats 4) 50 Cent- The Massacre (11 votes)
3) Kanye West- Graduation (20 votes) defeats 6) Lil Wayne Tha Carter 3 (9 votes)
2) Eminem- The Eminem Show (18 votes) defeats 7) Nelly- Country Grammar (11 votes)
1) Kanye West- College Dropout (31 votes) defeats 8) Twista- Kamikaze (2 votes)
5) Common- Be (17 votes) defeats 13) Big Boi- Speakerboxxx (14 votes)
6) T.I.- Paper Trail (20 votes) defeats 3) Lupe Fiasco- Food and Liquor (12 votes)
2) Jay-Z- The Black Album (30 votes) defeats 7) Lupe Fiasco- The Cool (2 votes)
1) Eminem- The Marshall Mathers LP (27 votes) defeats 8) G-Unit- Beg For Mercy (4 votes)
4) Outkast- Stankonia (23 votes) defeats 5) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter 2 (9 votes)
3) Nas- Stillmatic (21 votes) defeats 6) Clipse- Hell Hath No Fury (8 votes)
2) Kanye West- Late Registration (24 votes) defeats 7) Ludacris- Word of Mouf (6 votes)
(CLICK TO ENLARGE) *Updated Bracket* SCROLL FOR 1st Round Results
I have always wanted to make a list of my favorite rap albums on here.
Instead of you guys reading what I have to say (like you always do), I wanted to give you guys the chance to have a voice yourself.
Inspired by a thread on boxden.com that was “Best albums of the 90″ where people from the forum voted on 64 rap albums, I decided to jump into the decade where I found my love for hip hop in the 2000′s.
You are probably wondering “How in the hell did he seed these albums?”
Well… to be honest… there really isn’t any method to my madness at all.
I started out doing the brackets East, West, Midwest, and South but just didn’t feel right leaving out albums just because of where the rapper was from geographically.
So then I decided that the best way to match these albums up would be to do it by their sound.
I seperated them into Gangster albums, Conscious albums, Popular albums, and I left some wiggle room by making another part of the bracket “Other”.
I basically tried to seperate them as best as I could…
The 4 albums that I believed got the best reception from the general public in the 2000s (College Dropout, MMLP, Blueprint, and GRODT) got the 1 seeds and went from there.
If you disagree… well… that’s what the bracket is for.
I will be updating the actual bracket daily and below you will be able to vote on each matchup.
Tell your rap friends about this, should be fun.
1st Round RESULTS
1) Kanye West- College Dropout (65 votes) defeats 16) Ice Cube- Laugh Now, Cry Later (2 votes)
8) Twista- Kamikaze (40 votes) defeats 9) Q-Tip- The Renaissance (18 votes)
5) Common- Be (21 votes) defeats 12) Clipse- Lord Willin (11 Votes)
13) Big Boi- Speakerboxxx (20 votes) defeats 4) Nas- God’s Son (14 votes)
6) T.I.- Paper Trail (34 votes) defeats 11) Beanie Sigel- The B. Coming (4 Votes)
3) Lupe Fiasco- Food & Liquor (49 votes) defeats 14) Raekwon- OBFCL2 (13 votes)
7) Lupe Fiasco- The Cool (44 votes) defeats 10) Blu- Below The Heavens (15 votes)
2) Jay-Z – The Black Album (37 votes) defeats 15) Snoop Dogg- Tha Last Meal (2 Votes)
1) Eminem- Marshall Mathers LP (46 Votes) defeats 16) Bubba Sparxxx Deliverance (3 Votes)
8) G-Unit- Beg For Mercy (28 votes) defeats 9) Slaughterhouse (Self Titled) (16 Votes)
5) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter 2 (21 votes) defeats 12) The Game LAX (9 Votes)
4) Outkast- Stankonia (25 votes) defeats 13) Ghostface Killah- Fishscale (3 votes)
6) Clipse- Hell Hath No Fury (14 votes) defeats Obie Trice- Cheers (9 votes)
3) Nas- Stillmatic (26 votes) defeats 14) Eminem- Relapse (19 votes)
10) Ludacris- Word of Mouf (35 votes) defeats 7) Scarface- The Fix (9 votes)
2) Kanye West- Late Registration (20 votes) defeats E-40- My Ghetto Report Card (2 votes)
1) 50 Cent- Get Rich or Die Trying (67 votes) defeats Guerilla Black- Guerilla City (0 votes)
8) T.I.- Trap Muzik (39 votes) defeats 9) Ghostface Killah- Supreme Clientele (25 votes)
5) CamRon- Purple Haze (24 votes) defeats 12) Stlyes P- Gangster and a Gentleman
4) Jay-Z – American Gangster (21 votes) defeats 13) Game- Doctor’s Advocate (12 votes)
3) The Game- The Documentary (62 votes) defeats Rich Boy (Self Titled) (1 Vote)
11) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter 1 (27 votes) defeats 6) Lloyd Banks- Hunger 4 More (12 Votes)
7) Rick Ross- Deeper Than Rap (32 votes) defeats 10) Dip Set- Diplomatic Immunity (30 votes)
2) Young Jeezy – TM 101 (33 votes) defeats 15) XZibit- Man vs. Machine (3 votes)
1) Jay-Z- Blueprint (48 Votes) defeats 16) Slim Thug- Already Platinum (1 vote)
9) DMX- Grand Champ (26 votes) defeats 8) Jadakiss- Kiss of Death (19 votes)
5) T.I. -King (22 votes) defeats 12) Young Jeezy- Recession (4 votes)
4) 50 Cent- The Massacre (23 votes) defeats 13) DMX- The Great Depression (3 Votes)
6) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter 3 (13 votes) defeats 11) Fabolous- Ghetto Fabolous (9 votes)
3) Kanye West- Graduation (41 votes) defeats 14) Rick Ross- Port of Miami (5 Votes)
7) Nelly- Country Grammar (35 votes) defeats 10) Juelz Santana- What The Game’s been Missing (11 votes)
2) Eminem- The Eminem Show (21 votes) defeats 15) Snoop Dogg- Tha Blue Carpet Treatment (1 vote)
After graduating college at West Virginia University this year, people asked me “what was the wildest night you have ever had?”
And before about a month ago, it would have been a toss up… and then it happened.
I partied with Justin Bieber.
Warning: The following is 100% real and shit and nothing is fabricated. Do not attempt to do anything you read in this story unless you don’t give a fuck… or something like that. Do not run with scissors. Wait atleast 30 minutes after you eat to go swimming. The safest sex is no sex. Wash your hands for the length of the Birthday song. Not the jolly birthday song you sing on your birthday, but 2 Chainz feat. Kanye West “Birthday Song”. Ight. Remember all that shit before you keep reading.
This June I flew out to see my cousins in California. My cousin said he had a huge surprise for me when I got out there.
To my disappointment, it wasn’t a room full of bad bitches twerkin to “The Thong Song” and passing a blunt back and forth with Snoop Dogg.
My lil cousin Devin tells me we are going to meet someone. He’s hype and shit. Tellin me we are about to have time of our lives.
Keep in mind, he’s 16. Son… idk what the fuck these 16 year olds do nowdays. So his version of “time of our lives” could be a fuckin sleepover at his friends house playin Kinect all night and drinking Code Red Mountain Dew.
Fuckin late 90′s babies
So we’re driving through this nice neighborhood.
Nah… fuck that.
REALLY nice neighborhood. I’m in the passenger seat like “YO, WE MIGHT BE GOING TO MEET KOBE MOTHER FUCKIN BRYANT”.
Finally, we arrive at our destination. A beautiful mansion is within 100 yards of us, protected by a gate that reads
“J FUCKING B”.
“Yo Devin, where the hell are we?”
“JUSTIN BIEBER! I WON THE “MEET JUSTIN BIEBER SWEEPSTAKES”
Son… You done brought me all the way out to California to hang out with the Teeny Bop President?
What are we gonna do? Try on leather pants together?
Style our hair like Ellen Degeneres?
Fuck Life, man.
Whatever Devin, its like 6 o clock. Lets just get in here, shake some hands, and get the fuck out before his mom tells us it’s time for this pussy boy to go to bed. Yah boy is fiendin for some In N Out Burger son
The gates open, and we start approaching the mansion. As we get closer I see a man raking leaves.
No big deal.
Then we get closer and I notice something.. thats not just some random yard maintenance guy…
wait a second… no… it can’t be…
Awhhhhhhh HELL NO. JUSTIN BIEBER REALLY GOT SHAWN HUNTER FROM “BOY MEETS WORLD” DOING YARDWORK
I THOUGHT YOU WAS DEAD HOMIE
Then I realized something.. are there even leaves in California? I know for DAMN sure there arent leaves in California in June…
Just as this thought is crossing my mind, I look on the roof of the towering mansion to the sight of a 5’6 Justin Bieber with a red velvet robe on with a Leaf Blower strapped to his back on reverse mode connected to a garbage bag of leaves.
As he holds the Leaf blower hose under his nuts, riding it like a horse, showering Shawn Michaels with leaves and a cigar in his other hand he yells down to Devin and I,
“I JUST FUCKED PRINCE WILLIAM”S BIIIITCHHHHHHHHH”
Devin being the dumbass 16 year old is looking like
“This is gonna be awesome!”
Me on the other hand…
WHAT IN DA FUCK IS GOIN ON SON.
We walk in the basement door, and the first thing I hear is this song
next thing I know is I see the kid come around the corner with 3 bad bitches (1 being Kate Middleton) chanting
“TURN UP. TURN UP. TURN UP…..Bout time you pussies got here. Welcome to the mother fuckin Bieber Dome yall. “
So this dude really gonna act like he aint have a dude in his front yard from the cast of Boy Meets World raking leaves?
Just as I started to ask, “So outside….. was that the guy from..”
“Shawn Hunter? Fuck ya. I bought that fuck boy in 2008. Straight cash homie. “
“The fuck you mean, you bought a Shawn Hunter?”
“I BOUGHT SHAWN HUNTER. It aint hard to understand.We got the same drug dealer and shit and needed a butler… so fuck it. I bought him. 1.5 milli for 7 years. That a nothing to me homie, I shit that. I tried to get the package deal for Mr. Feeny next door but he’s retired son.”
Dude is 19 and buying PEOPLE. And these dudes thought they were ballin cuz they “woke up in a new bugatti”
Devin excitingly asks Bieber, “So what are we gonna be doing today?”
Bieber says, “To be honest, I didnt really plan anything. So we are just gonna be doing normal, every day Bieber shit. Follow me gay boys.”
Devin and I follow Bieber out towards the backyard. We get on the patio and the first thing I see is Ray J sitting in the hot tub like
Bieber daps him up. Stops for a second and looks back at Devin and I and says, “Yall Ready to turn up?” As he says that, reaches into his pocket, pulls out white powder, and snorts it off the table.
Ight. So Justin Bieber (the dude who sang “bay-by, bay-by, bay-by oooooh) does a little cocaine? No big deal. Just Coke.
Just as Im thinking that Bieber lines up another line and says,
“This shit just doesnt hit as hard as it used to. Gotta pair it up with bathsalts.” (snorts line)
Bieber turns around, then reaches into his robe, and yanks out a sawed off shotgun and says while pointing it at us,
“YALL PUSSIES READY TO SHOOT SOME SKEET?
I swear to god in those 3 seconds I shit myself, said as many words of the Hail Mary that I know, thought about all of the fucked up shit I’ve ever done. My life flashed before my eyes. I havent gotten married yet, havent had kids… fuck, I haven’t even found Kony yet.
Bieber started walking towards the shooting range and I swear I was like this
This was my prayer.
“Thank you God, Tebow, Jay-Z, the kid from the 6th sense, Mel Gibson. I’m sorry I take for granted Google, WI FI, red Starbursts and Pizza Rolls. Amen”.
I look over at Devin and hes over here just browsing Instagram. I swear man, these late 90′s babies are fucked up yo. We just about got killed and son is over here filtering pictures
Bieber screams to come over and shoot skeet with him. You know, at this point, I wanna get the fuck outta here. But I can’t, cuz… well… Bieber is on bathsalts, fucking crazy, and holding a sawed off shotgun.
We walk over to Bieber where he is accompanied by John Heder drinking out of a champagne glass, Kanye West hitting golf balls, and Dave Coulier operating the skeet thrower
Bieber introduces us “You know these queers? That’s Napolean, Kanye, and that creepy dude from the show with Mary Kate and Ashley show…”
At that moment Kanye chimes in “PRINCE WILLIAM AINT DO IT RIGHT IF YOU ASK MEEEE, CUZ IF I WERE HIM I WOULDA MARRIED KATE AND ASHLEY”
At that moment Kate Middleton pops her head out the window and says,
“What did he just say?”
Bieber responds, “Nothing honey. Go back to sleep. Daddy will be up soon…. Yo Kanye, shut the fuck up.”
Then Bieber tries to introduce us.
“These are… what are your names? Actually I dont give a fuck. What do you want to drink? Are you old enough to drink? Actually, who fucking care how old you are. I was having threesomes with Usher when I was 13, youre old enough to drink. YO! (whistles) SHAWN HUNTER! GET MY GUESTS A FUCKIN VODKA TONIC!…… AND BRING OUT THE GOD DAMN VEGGIE TRAY THIS TIME…. FUCK”
As Shawn Hunter hands us a vodka tonic and Bieber continues to yell “PULL!” and shoot skeet, I ask.
“Yo, isn’t it weird Ray-J is here, and Kanye? Didn’t they both…
Bieber interrupts, “Fucked Kim Kardashian? Son. Everyone fucks Kim Kardashian. I fucked Kim Kardashian.”
“Yo, Napolean, you fuck Kim Kardashian?”
“Ya Bieber, 2006.”
“Yo, Joey from that Mary Kate and Ashley show… you fuck Kim K?”
No sir. Swear.
“JUST KIDDING. I HIT IT IN 07″
Just as this convo is going on, I look back and Ray J is just staring at me like
“WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE 2?” (looking at me and Devin)
“My guests. Show a little respect”. says Bieber.
Ray J angrily shouts “FUCK THEM”
Just as he says that Bieber loads his gun, points it at Ray J and the next thing I see is
“WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BIEBER??
YOU JUST KILLED RAY-J.
LOOK AT HIM, HES FUCKIN DEAD.
(looks at Devin)
GOT DAMNET DEVIN PUT RAY J’S HEAD DOWN. THIS ISNT FUCKIN HALO OR CALL OF DUTY.
THIS IS THE REAL WORLD YALL.
YOU CANT JUST GO AROUND SHOOTIN IRRELEVANT R & B ARTISTS.
YOU LATE 90S BABIES GOT FUCKIN ISSUES. LIFE AINT NO VIDEO GAME.
SEE. THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN A GENERATION IS RAISED ON FAIRLY ODD PARENTS AND SPONGEBOB INSTEAD OF DOUG AND ARNOLD.
FUCK YOU GUYS. NO MORALS AT ALL.
While chewing his celery from the veggie tray, Bieber looks at me and says “Why you givin so many fucks, bro? It’s just Ray J. You rollin wit the Biebs, it aint nothin.”
Bieber screams, “YO SHAWN! SHAWN FUCKING HUNTER! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!”
Shawn runs over quickly, “Yes sir”.
“Yo can you go dump this body?… same spot as the dude from Lizzie McGuire?…. And refill this veggie tray.”
“Yes sir.” says Shawn.
Bruh… Bieber killed Gordo from Lizzie Mcguire?
Why would you do that son? WHY? What did he ever do to anyone?
I’M ALONE IN CALIFORNIA WITH A CEREAL KILLER.
WHERE THE HELL AM I?
BIEBER JUST KILLED THE DUDE THAT RECORDED “SEXY CAN I” AND HILLARY DUFF”S RIGHT HAND MAN.
HE DON”T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME.
I AINT SHIT.
Bieber looks at me and goes,
“Alright, now that we took care of that… yall ready to get turnt?”
Son I just saw you snort bathsalts, coke, and shoot Ray-J in the face. I dunno how much more “turning up” I can handle out here, bruh.
Just as I’m thinking that, Bieber yell “BIEBER SQUAD, TIME TO HIT THE MOTHER FUCKING CLUB. BIEBS WILL MEET EVERYONE ON THE FRONT PORCH.”
With Bieber leading the way, followed by myself, Devin, Kanye, Uncle Joey, and John Heder… He is giving us a tour of the house.
“And right here, that’s the indoor aquarium. That’s Shamu’s son. They call him a killer whale, but he’s kind of a bitch to be honest. He doesn’t kill people, only fish. I want a refund.”
“And to the left, we got the porn room. I dont like fake porn. Stuff you see on the internet. So I have 24 hour live porn, real people. I have about 50 people working for me. They rotate in shifts. They come in, do their job then leave. The Biebs is a sex addict. This is my way of controlling it.”
“And above us, go ahead, look up. That’s the casino. The Biebs likes to gamble, what can I say? I open it up to the public. Let people come in… all of the machines are rigged. The only machine that is actually fair is in my room. The ones in the casino? All of the money goes to yah boy, J Fucking B.”
“It’s too easy bruh. What did Biggie say in that song? Money, hoes, and clothes? THAT”S ALL A NIGGA KNOWS”
We finally get to the front porch, and out of the darkness creeps up a car.
What the… is that?
“YEAH, YAH BISH! YOU KNOW YAH BOI J TO THE MOTHA FUCKIN B GOT DALE EARNHARDTS OLE WHIP!”
But how much did that cost you?
“You dumbass. I didn’t buy the car. I stole that shit.
(Bieber points in the direction of the car)
“I BOUGHT HIM.”
And at the moment, I see Dale Earnhardt’s hologram step out of the car
“U.O.E.N.O. BOUT ALL THE HOLOGRAMS I GOT. I GOT THE BEST DRIVER OF ALL TIME TAKING US TO THE CLUB. GET IN THE CAR BITCHES!”
And we were off.
In the back seat, riding 5 deep. Me. Devin. Uncle Joey. Napolean Dynamite. And Kanye.
Dale Sr.’s hologram behind the wheel. Justin Bieber riding shotgun with this song on repeat
And Bieber hanging out the window dancing like
We finally get to the club, after hearing “Started from the Bottom” 7 times in a row.
Of course we don’t stand in line, because Bieber yells as he passes everyone, “Standing in line is for POOR PEOPLE. Fucking PEASANTS!”
We get in the club, and we follow Bieber straight to the bar.
We sit down on a stool and Bieber says “Time to put out the vibe bro. Yo BIEBER SQUAD. BOUNCE WITHCA BOI.”
Honestly, I think everyone else is just as afraid as me….
So we out here just killin it bruh. Standing there by the bar like
Bieber is just screaming down the bar at me,
“YO. BOUNCE SON. BOUNCE. VIBE. BOUNCE. VIBE. VIBE. FEEL THAT MUSIC. Jesus man, you know how to dance? All these bitches just looking at you like youre stupid.”
The fuck this dude talking bout? VIBE. BOUNCE VIBE?
Just as I say that, 3 ladies walk up and attempt to talk to us.
And Selena Gomez
These chicks are talking to Kanye, Uncle Joey, and myself. All that BOUNCE, VIBE, BOUNCE shit must have worked
Next thing I know, Bieber pokes his head in and says
We all looking at each other like
Did we just get cock blocked by Justin Bieber? When we were talking to the 3 hottest young chicks in Hollywood?
Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you Bieber?
Bieber says, “JB already ran through them hoes, they aint shit… Hey Kanye… what did you say in that one song?”
Kanye chimes in for the 2nd time of the night, “I can have me a good girl, still be addicted to them hoodrats?”
“YEAH. That’s it. Now shut the fuck up Kanye……lemme get you boys what you want….
TWERK TEAM! TWERK TEAM! TWERK TEAM!”
Next thing I know, this is in front of us
Bieber is over here loving it, his 5 foot 6 ass dancing like
This whole time I’ve been pounding drinks.
Not because I’m into this whole clubbin with Bieber thing… but because I think I’m literally gonna die. I look up to the fucking stage and Uncle Joey, John Heder, and Kanye have stolen the DJ’s mic and turned this night into Karaoke.
I see them singing this song
while dancing like this
After 3 hours of Bieber air humping with his BOUNCE VIBE BOUNCE shit… I walk up to him like..
“Excuse me, but it’s getting late, can we go?”
Bieber looks at me like “Are you telling Justin Bieber that he should leave the club?”
“Nah, I mean… I meann”
At that moment Bieber whips out his pistol and starts scremin at me?
“YOU WANNA LEAVE BITCH? YOU WANNA LEAVE?
(pop pop pop)
Im on the ground like
“Is this heaven? Am I dead? I feel people running around me. Aw hell no, I just got killed by Justin Bieber.”
Then I look up to Bieber laughing like
“Don’t be sucha bitch bro. I shot it in the sky. You’re my guest. We can leave when you want. If Bieber leaves the club, everyone leaves the club.”
Once again I’m like
“Thank you God, $5 Lil Caesars pizzas, Pringles, Glacier Freeze Gatorade, and Chuck Norris. Amen.”
Dale Sr. picks us up.
Finally we get home. But Bieber isn’t done yet.
“You bros tryinga get tatted?”
Do I have to ask again?
“Which one of you pussies is getting tatted?”
“I WILL, SHIT”
Oh.. thank you god. Uncle Joey is taking one for the team. The GOAT Uncle.
Bieber tells joey to lay down on the table.
Bieber is really gonna give him a tattoo himself?
After 3 hours of Bieber yelling at us to stay awake to see the end result, he finally reveals his masterpiece on Uncle Joey’s back.
“You ready to see it guys?”
Finally, the night was over.
The next morning I wake up to a meal prepared for me by Kate Middleton.
After breakfast, I walk up stairs into Bieber’s bedroom where he is in bed with the rest of the Twerk Team from the night before.
“Hey kid, come talk to the Biebs…”
I walk over to him.
“Come closer”. He says.
I get down to the point where he is whispering in my ear and he says,
“When you leave this place, and go wherever you go… I want you to tell them one thing about me… Biebs… is…. about that life.”
And that was the night I partied with Justin Bieber.
In honor of the state I love and West Virginia’s 150th birthday, here are “150 Reasons to love the state of West Virginia”.
150. Kevin Pittsnoggle
149. Mac Miller’s new song “REMember” references “West Virginia” on the chorus which may be a reference to his time spent at Emaa Kauffman Camp (a jewish kids camp in Morgantown)
148. Weirton is the only city in the United States that extends from one state border to another.
147. Robert C. Byrd (longest serving senator)
146. “The Silence of the Lambs” movie starring Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins is about a West Virginia born FBI cadet and her encounters with Hannibal Lecter as she chases a serial killer
145. The movie “October Sky” based on Homer Hickam’s autobiographical book “Rocket Boys”
144. Biscuits and gravy- a classic country food that is popular in WV… thank you god
143. Fright Farm (serves as a haunted house, or a great place to get drunk)
142. An excess of white rappers
141. French Creek Freddie aka the poor man’s Punxsutawney Phil
140. The movie “We Are Marshall”
139. The first major land battle of the Civil War was the battle of Philippi on June 3, 1861.
138. Hank Williams, the legendary country music entertainer, apparently died in the back seat of a car traveling the roads of southern West Virginia on New Year’s Day 1953.
137. The first court in the U. S. to admit videotaped evidence, convicting a drunk driver was Charleston Municipal Court in 1967 (poor guy, talk about bad luck)
136. The first patent for a soda fountain was granted in 1833 to George Dulty in Wheeling [WVBL].
135. ESPN’s Scholastic several years ago picked as the best sports team nickname in America the Dots of Poca High School in Poca.
134. The first brick pavement in the U. S. was laid in Charleston in 1870 by a private citizen at his own expense.
133. WVU’s Rifle team has a nation’s best 15 National Titles
132. It’s a popular assumption that Katniss from The Hunger Games is from WV
131. Steve Harvey
130. Great Italian Food
129. Ruby Memorial Hospital
128. Morgantown drinks 1% of Anheuser-Busch’s alcohol sales every year.
127. Jay-Z and Beyonce attended Jay’s nephew’s graduation a few years ago in Salem, WV
126. Deron Williams was born in WV
125. This guy
124. Dolly Sods
122. Chuck Yeager
121. Pat White making fun of Pitt
118. People in WV care enough about the state to make lists like this one
117. Valley Worlds of Fun
116. OJ Mayo’s last play as WV High School Basketball player
115. Valley Worlds of Fun
114. In Huntington, it is legal to beat your wife as long as it’s done in public on a Sunday, on the courthouse steps.
113. Current Lakers coach Mike Dantoni is from Mullens, WV
112. Whistling underwater is illegal in the state of WV
111. We have the most old people of any state in the U.S.
110. Byron Leftwich at Marshall
109. The show “Buckwild”
108. Shain Gandee
107. People from WV like Shain Gandee
106. Adam Levine dated Angela Belotte (a WV native)
105. Cass Scenic Railroad
104. It is Illegal to sleep on a train in WV
103. Harper’s Ferry
102. Randy Moss
101. Randy moss explaining how he pays fines
100. Jason Williams
99. This Nike Commercial
98. Black Water Falls
97. The first organized golf club in America was in WV at Oakhurst Links in White Sulphur Springs
96. Canaan Valley
93. The Mothman
92. Anticipation of Snowdays
91. Nick Saban
90. People love Wal-Mart
89. Theres a town in our state called “Big Otter”
88. We’re not Ohio
87. Brad Paisley
86. Blue Hole
85. Wheeling Island
84. The Civic Center
83. Jennifer Garner
82. 75% of our state is trees
81. The PRT (sometimes)
80. Sweet Tea available in all restaurants
79. Dasean Butler gamewinners
78. Moments like these
77. Stonewall Jackson
76. Arden Falls
75. Martha Stewart served a prison sentence in Alderson, West Virginia
74. Everyone has a redneck uncle
73. We have sex with our relatives
72. Just kidding, you ignorant piece of shit
71. We have a sense of humor
70. New River Gorge
69. Jackson’s Mill is the home of the first 4-H camp in the United States
68. WV women aren’t shoot guns and change tires
67. They can also cook well
66. WVU’s Mascott
65. This video
64. West Virginia Power
63. Don Knotts
62. The Greenbrier
61. Home of Father’s Day
60. Home of Mother’s Day
59. No “dry counties”
58. West Virginia Hot Dogs
57. No tornadoes or hurricanes
56. For the most part, the state only has one area code (304)
55. It’s normal to hit a deer while you’re driving
54. “Let’s Go Mountaineers” chant
53. This post game interview
52. 70 MPH Speed Limit
51. If It’s broke, we fix it ourselves
50. If you aren’t in one of the major cities, you say what county you’re from
47. The Hatfields
46. The NBA Logo
45. The Coliseum
44. Milan Puskar Stadium
43. Our state animal is a Cardinal
42. Our state animal is a freaking Black Bear
41. This video
40. WVU’s current college football and basketball coaches can out drink any other pair of coaches in the country
39. If we hear “West Virginia” in a song or movie, we rewind it immediately
38. Dialing the wrong number and the person on the other end is still polite
37. It doesn’t matter what the setting is (the middle of the woods, backyard, front porch) add beer and it’s a great party
36. People think we are dumb but don’t even know we’re a state
35. A whole lot of festivals that don’t make much sense
34. The Blue Lot
33. Grant Street
32. Couch Fires
31. This song
30. People cry when they leave our state and hear “Country Roads”
29. 70 MPH Speed Limit
28. Mary Lou Retton
27. Even if you aren’t from here, It doesn’t take much time to feel welcome in West Virginia
26. Family is the most important thing to a West Virginian
25. 15% of the nation’s coal comes from WV
24. Coopers Rock
23. High Street in Morgantown
22. The beautiful capitol building
21. “Leave No Doubt” Speech
20. WV is the most northern southern state and most southern northern state
19. If you see someone out of the state and you find out you’re both from WV= best friends
18. If there’s an activity that entails the chance of dying, it’s worth a try
17. Low crime rate
16. Four seasons of weather
15. Our state looks like a middle finger
14. Southern accents
13. Beautiful Women
12. Beautiful Women with southern accents
11. Jerry West
10. WVU basketball
9. WVU football
8. Small towns where everyone knows your name
7. driving on country roads
6. Pepperoni Rolls
5. The Mountains
4. The parties
3. Coal and Coal Miners
2. The pride people have for the state of West Virginia
1. The people of the state of West Virginia