So I recently bought an Iphone, and people demanded that I download the new emojis.
So I downloaded the shit, and I just don’t feel comfortable using these lil critters. I dunno, it’s just a huge transition when moving to an Iphone. I feel like its a big fucking cult of people that think they are better than anyone. They add emojis to every tweet they create, knowing damn well that every one without a Iphone has no idea what the fuck the “ BLANK SQUARE ” means.
Meanwhile, you just sitting there trying to use context clues to figure out what the fuck that “BLANK SQUARE” is.
For example, you spend a full day with a chick you like, and she tweets some shit like “Had a wonderful day today BLANK SQUARE”
Meanwhile, you sitting there contemplating if you should be thinking
“Me too baby girl, today was dope”
this bitch could be acting sarcastic and the BLANK SQUARE could be a
which as a result, could have you thinking
“the fuck is your problem hoe? BLANK SQUARE my balls”
Anyways, in order for me to make the transition from regular ass phone to iphone, I had to really get to know these emojis life stories. I can’t be using these emoji’s recklessly son. So, I did a little research, and here are the Life Stories behind a few of the iphone emojis.
“The Running with Urgency Man”
Nah son… that dude is NOT just “going for a jog”. People don’t just go for a job is blue jeans. This mother fucker is running with a purpose.
First off, look at that stride. Shit is like Usain Bolt-esque shit. He is in a full out sprint. Like, literally, “gonna shit my pants if I don’t make it to the bathroom” sprint.
Lil homie looks like he’s running with the bulls.
This dude is running like it’s 10:25 and he’s a mile away from McDonalds breakfast.
This dude is running like someone just told him “YO, KATE UPTON IS DOWN THE STREET, AND SOMEONE TOLD ME SHE IS FUCKIN THE FIRST DUDE TO HER DOORSTEP”.
All I’m sayin is, you gotta respect the little man’s urgency. He deserves that respect.
“The Try Hard”
I know it’s not visible, but I think we can all agree that this guy is wearing those cargo Ecko jeans with the diamond studded, dragon designs on em, along with an Aeropostale shirt and DADA spinner shoes.
That’s just the vibe I get from this try hard.
He’s the type of guy to think he’s cool by pulling the fire alarm during school… which is cool… but he pulls it the day that the whole school is outta class for a special presentation. Like everybody is having a good time watching the Harlem Globetrotters in the gymnasium and the shit gets cut short cuz this douche bag’s father figures growing up were the Ying Yang Twins.
The type of guy that always has a Sharpie in his big ass Ecko jeans and writes some fucked up shit on the bathroom stall wall like ” I HOPE YOU ALL DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS”. I mean, how bad of a day do you have to be having to write cuss words all over bathroom stall walls? I mean, what’s the point? If you have ever done that shit in your life, you need Jesus, or a hug, or a Snickers. If you write “FUCK, SHIT, DIE, KILL” on bathroom walls, I would hate to see your journal son.
This emoji is the definition of a fuck boy.
“The Obnoxious Girl”
One thing I absolutely know about women is when they have a crown on, get the fuck outta their way.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a 4 year old girl pretending to be a princess, or a a girl on her 22nd birthday, they are gonna recklessly do whatever the fuck they want, when they want.
I think girls put on crowns and think “I HAVE NOW GRANTED MYSELF PERMISSION TO……
The rules of society, manners, and certainly your feelings are no longer accounted for. Don’t hang out with them, don’t make eye contact with them…. fuck… just evacuate the building when a girl is wearing a crown.
“The Mall Cop”
The reason I say this is a “mall cop” is because… well, have you ever seen a happy cop?
How many REAL cops ever look like they are having fun? And if they do look like they are having fun, its cuz they aren’t doing their fuckin job.
I feel like cops wake up in the morning thinking the following things:
1. I hate my job
2. I should have been the leader of Bus Patrol in 5th grade
3. What steps do I need to take today to ruin someone’s life?
Mall cops are the only happy cops on the planet.
My guesses as to why-
1.) They don’t do shit.
2.) The most physically demanding challenge that they EVER face is a 14 year old female trying to steal sweatpants from Victoria Secret.
3.) Auntie Anne’s pretzels are always easily accessible. ( don’t blame them here)
This guy haunts me in my sleep son.
He probably had a few rough years in high school with women and turned to World Warcraft for love and support.. next thing you know he’s Jerry Sandusky’s roommate in college and they are going on vacation to Williamsport for the Little League World Series.
I just don’t get people who have mustaches and are dead serious about it… like, did your razor brake half way through your shave? Or are you trying to get a rape charge?
Keep this dude outta my text messages and tweets.
“You Already Know”
See that face? It’s a face of accomplishment. This smiley is a damn winner.
When that face is displayed, YOU ALREADY KNOW some shit went down.
It’s like, you wake up one morning and a girl walks out of your room and your boy looks at u like
“You hit it?”
And you maintain your gentleman-like qualities by not saying anything and look at him like
“You already know son.”
“The Twerk Team”
Honestly, I got no fucking clue what’s going on here.
I dunno why they have cat suits on, I dunno why they dont have pupils, and I dunno why the fuck they are touching their elbows together.
But you know what I do know? These hoes are wild’n and don’t give a fuck. And after eliminating all other possibilities, these hoes HAVE to be a Twerk team.
And you know everyone loves a twerk team
“The Child Molester Settled Down and Had A Family”
Pretty self- explanatory. This gotta be the weirdest fuckin shit to hit technology since 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Type of emoji that you wake up to in a morning text message like
Ight, I’m done breaking down the lives of all the emojis. I feel like I know em better and I feel like I’m ready to use emojis.
I am officially joining the cult.
So if you dont’ have an Iphone, go fuck yourself BLANK SQUARE
The night was October 6th, 2012. WVU’s football team had just wrapped up an emotional 3 point victory at Texas. Geno Smith was the clear cut Heisman front runner for a 2nd straight week. WVU’s students packed the streets of Morgantown full of excitement, celebration, and hope that this could be the year that WVU won it’s 1st National Title in school history. WVU students, fans, and athletes were on top of the world.
And then it happened.
The most inviting, homely, and classic bar left standing in Morgantown was sold. No more. Over. Done with. Finito.
“Mutts”, the last remaining bar in Sunnyside, would be closed in early 2013.
When the rumor became reality, WVU students, alumni, and even some Morgantown residents came to the forefront to try to save the bar.
The trend “#SaveMutts” even trended on Twitter for a short period of time in Pittsburgh. For whatever reason, everyone seemed to have a special connection to Mutts. It could be the laid back feel, cheap drinks, the jukebox, or maybe their signature drink the “Trash Can”.
For me, my fondest memory of Mutts will be that it was the first 21 bar that I ever got into. Not to mention I was 19 and my ID was McLovin-esque. But no matter what happens, Mutts will forever remain dear to my heart as the first 21 bar I ever attended.
Edit*** A close runner up is the time that I saw a young lady puke all over the floor, act like it wasn’t hers, then continue with her night by making out with random guys.
The following week of the announcement that Mutts will be closed in the near future, everything seemed to fall apart for WVU athletics. WVU lost in football at Texas Tech, in a game where we looked nothing like the team I had seen just a week before against Texas. Geno Smith and our offense came back down to earth, along with all of WVUs fans and students. The loss marked the start of a 5 game skid and an eventual 7-6 season concluding with a 35-14 thumping received by an inferior Syracuse team in the Pinstripe Bowl.
What started as a joke for my friends and I (The Mutts Curse), slowly started to strike fear in me after the 5 game losing streak and the pounding we took from Syracuse.
With basketball season right around the corner, things would surely turn around, right?
Bob Huggins, who had seemingly looked invincible in his first 5 yrs at WVU, had absolutely no answer for this disaster of a basketball season. Game after game, WVUs fan base waited for the basketball team to click, but it was clear that The Mutts Curse was running through the streets of Morgantown like a wild animal. The ghost of Mutts was the most destructive thing to hit Morgantown since enflamed couches.
Bob Huggins turned in his worst season since Regan was in office. WVU had its worst season since 01-02 when they went 8-20 under Gale Catlett.
Since the announcement that Mutts would be shut down, WVU football and basketball have a combined record of 15-25.
It disgusts me just to write that fact.
But it is a fact. 5-0 when Mutts was open, 15-25 since the announcement that it would be shut down.
At this point we have 2 options.
1) We can ignore the coincidences that WVU athletics have spun recklessly out of control since Mutts was shut down and continue to watch the demise of WVU’s relevancy and national respect.
2) WVUs great fan base can step up to the plate and #ReverseTheMuttsCurse.
I choose the latter. But this is coming from someone who wore the same boxers and piece of shit WVU shirt from Wal-Mart during every basketball game through WVUs Final 4 Run in 2010.
If you are superstitious like me, you will join me the day that this article is published to #ReverseTheMuttsCurse.
In order to show respect to Mutts, take a photo of yourself with a Trash can and post it via Twitter/ Instagram under the hash tag #ReverseTheMuttsCurse.
This represents Mutts signature drink while also accounting for WVU’s trash seasons. Lets put this athletic year in the garbage where it should be and move on.
I know it’s stupid, but as a distraught fan, I’m willing to do anything to save our sports programs.
Be creative. #ReverseTheMuttsCurse
EDIT: Since this article has been written, Geno Smith’s draft stock has dramatically declined and Jabarie Hinds has announced that he will be transferring schools in the fall.
This time last year, I wrote an article “Valentine’s Day Thoughts: Guys vs. Girls”. And guess what? It’s that time of the year again, and Wayne and Tammy are back.
So what has changed this year?
Well, Im sad to say that Wayne and Tammy have broken up. It has been 3 months post break up
All “sorta good things” must come to an end.
So how are they doing? What are a single guy’s thoughts compared with a single girl’s thoughts? Let’s catch up with Wayne and Tammy.
Thoughts are in italics
745am- Wake Up
AND MY HAIR IS A FUCKIN MESSSSSSSS.
I am already DISGUSTED. This is going to be the WORST day everrrrrrr.
Even my thoughts are exaggeratedddd withhhh extraaa letterrsss whennnn Im upsetttt ahhhh (((.
Make itttt stoppppp. Unghhhhhh. I justttt wanttt flowerrrsss.
Valentine’s Day 2013. ”And not a single fuck will be given this day.”
YEP. You know yah boi got a motto for this V-Day.
I aint got no time to be buying chocolate and acting all generous and shit today.
Ima be up in that club tonight just slaying dem bad bitches son. Me and my homie bout to be WILD’n THE FUCK OUT on the dancefloor like
Im fixin to empty that $60 bank account like it aint nothin yo.
And when we outta money, Ima just look at the bartender and say
“CHARGE IT TO THE GAME”
8:25am- Walk to Class
“listening to ipod*
“Never minddddddd, I’ll find someone like youuuuuu, I wish nothing but the besssst for youuuuuuuu too Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said,”Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”
OH ADELE HOW YOU KNOW ME.
YOU KNOW ME SO WELL . I never thought someone would be able to penetrate the fleece of my Northface jacket and speak directly to my heart.
Wayne will never understand how much he hurt meee
“I’m about being SINGLE, seeing DOUBLE, making TRIPLE,
I hope you pussy niggas hating never make a nickel”
9am- 12 Class
It is almost 9 am and I have no texts yet.
I am sooooo special.
This is terrible. Am I this ugly? Will I ever have another boyfriend?
Maybe I should be the one that texts someone?
NO NO NO!
Girls don’t text first! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
I HATE BEING A GIRL.
Lemme tweet something about being lonely on Valentine’s day and see if I get any retweets…
Ummm lemme think
“I guess my Valentine’s day will consist of chinese and ice cream! Happy V-Day to me!”
LOL so funny and perfectly describes my mood.
I wonder if I can balance this pencil on my face?
Can I balance a pencil on my nose?
3 hours later…
I mean, apparently I’m fat since no one wants to date me.
Fugg it, Im eating Chick Fil A today.
I am sooooo over my diet.
If a guy cant respect MY BODY, than he cant get MY BODY.
Fuck a diet, IMA DO ME
DORITOS LOCOS TACOS OMG
The Illuminati is clearly behind this shit and I still dont give a fuck. Thanks You Lady Gaga. Thank You Jay-Z. Thank You Will Smith. Thank You Honey Boo Boo. Thank you little kid that may be a grown man but lip syncs famous songs for a living
Afternoon Texting Conversations 1-4pm
OK thatssss itttt.
I am not spending my entire VDay moping around like a Negative Nancy.
Time to make plans with my girl Becca. She’s my ugly friend, she will be free tonight!
2:30pm ”Hey Becca! What’s up!”
2:31pm ”OH NOTHING. ANOTHER LONELY VALENTINES DAY!”
2: 32pm ”Same girl, we are just so loved arent we?”
2:32:21 pm “LOL”
2: 33pm ”Should we do something tonight? Lets be losers together <3″
2:34pm “Yes? What do you wanna do?”
2:35 pm “I was thinking Chinese and Ben and Jerrys”
2:36 pm”OMG it’s like YOU READ MY MIND”
2:37 pm “When should we start?”
2:38 pm “How bout 7?
2:39 pm “Perfect”
2:40 pm “Will you bring the ice cream?”
2:41 pm “You know it girl “
2:42 pm “We are so cuteeee”
2:43 pm “I know girl. We are like the modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Except we are both Bonnie”
2: 44 pm “HAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHA OMG I JUST SPIT OUT MY STARBUCKS. YOU SHOULD SCREENSHOT THIS CONVO TO SHOW THE WORLD OUR SEMI-FUNNY CONVERSATIONS THAT ONLY WE THINK ARE FUNNY”
2:45 pm “Done, <3″
Shit son, ima holla at my homie Bill via text.
You know he dont give 2 fucks about a Valentine’s day.
2: 30 pm ”Yo, lets go out tonight and get hammered”
6:00 pm “Ight.”
7:00 PM Dinner
You know what?
This day is actually starting to turn around!
Im sitting here with my friend, eating a great chinese meal, and watching Pitch Perfect!
Oh ya! I also have sweatpants on! Awwweee I love sweatpants. I dont know why!! I love when my legs can move freely! I feel like a 2 legged snail with a pony tail! LOL!
Awww, being single isnt that bad after all!!!
“You know what Bill? I had my doubts about this idea but….
I’ll be DAMNED if this strip club dont have the best got damn chicken wings in town son”
Im still a little skeptical bout this strip club tho.
Good thing these $1 shots got your boy on his level tho
Awwww Pitch Perfect was……………. PERFECT!!! AHHHH LOVE FAT AMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s turn on the TV and see what’s on.
I LOVE THIS MOVIE BUT I CANT WATCH IT today.
But I need to.
Oh no this is where my night takes a turn for the worstttt
Ay to be honest with myself, im pretty hammered right now
Dollar shots finally caught up with me.
Hahahajikahjha plus this strip club is crazy. so weird
Oh fuck what next?
AWE FUCK NO
Ohhhhhhh this was a terrible idea
I will NEVER find the love that Allie and Noah have in The Notebook ((
They are so PERFECT.
*stumbles into the house*
Which one of my homo roommates left ABC Family on the television?
Bunch of fuck boys watchin The Notebook
This shit is so fuckin gay. Lemme watch some of this crap
10: 35 pm
I love the part where she finds out Noah was sending all the letters to him!!! ADORABLE. I wish a guy was THAT dedicated to me! I NEED someone that wants to FIGHT for me!!! Chivalry is DEAD!
So this dude Ryan Gosling can send a million love letters to a chick with no response and it’s considered romantic, yet when I send a million text messages to a girl with no response it’s considered “creepy”?
I don’t get it son.
Speaking of texting, I am STILL hammered
Couldnt drunkingly text my ex girl Tammy If I tried.
I need to tweet
babygirl05 : I love, love, LOVE The Notebook! LOL dont care how many times I have to say it!
If Im being completely honest with myself, this movie isn’t that bad.
This ending is so sad, yet so perfect!!!
Wait, WHAT THE FUCK?………………… THEY DIE?
what kind of bullshit fuckin story is this fuckin shit you piece of fuckin shit Nicholas Sparks. Mother fucker stirs up all my mother fucking feelings just to kill them this aint no fuckin happy ending shit
Life is precious.
I need to go hook up with Tammy…..
Im still drunk.
I cant drive.
Ive done dumber things for sex…..
I just wish someone would go out of their way for me once. When am I gonna have my great romantic moment??
What the fuck.
Cant even remember the stupid apartment complex number code to get into the building to knock on Tammy’s door…
Looks like I need to throw rocks at every window until I hit the one that”s hers….
Did a rock just hit my window?
Oh my god.
Is that Wayne?
OMG! THIS IS MY MOMENT! MY PRINCE CHARMING IS RIGHT HERE! OMG!
HE HAS BEEN THINKING ABOUT ME FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS! HE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME!
THIS WAS HIS PLAN THE WHOLE DAY!
What’s the best way to tell Tammy “I’m horny as hell”?
“Tammy, I Love You.”
PASSWORD CORRECT MUTHA FUCKA!
The Next Morning
OMG last night was amazing! Wayne told me he loved me! The perfect valentine’s day! AHHHHHH so excited! Can’t wait to tell my girls!!!!! We are gonna have a great future together
Wayne with the buzzer beater son.
Pimp game on 100.
We don’t love dem hoes.
Watch my swag on a millie as I walk out of this apartment building.
“Shit I… parts with nothin, y’all be frontin, Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothin, never happen. I’ll be FOREVER MACKIN”
I’m a fan of music, and it doesn’t matter what genre it is, I appreciate quality music. I am primarily a hip hop fan, but if I hear a lot of buzz about a particular project, I will check it out.
As of late, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s dumb as fuck to have any expectations for a classic album. Here’s why.
The younger generation of music (Id qualify this group as 20-27 year olds) are choke artists.
For whatever reason, all of them are obsessed with their young age. They use their age as a crutch to make “ok” or “disappointing” albums. They think “Oh I’m young, I’m getting better every day. My next album will be the one.”
Well I got news for them, the window to make great albums is typically a very small period of time.
To me, I think the age of 25 is about the perfect age where a person is artistically in their prime.
You can go down the list with examples:
Usher- Confessions- Age 25
Justin Timberlake- Future Sex/ Love Sounds- Age 25
Kurt Cobain- Nevermind- Age 24
Notorious B.I.G.- Ready To Die- Age 22
Michael Jackson- Thriller- Age 23
These are all widely revered as classic albums.
I could go on and on, posting great albums that were completed by people in their early 20s, but I won’t.
You can search your favorite artist and see when they made their best album. I’m willing to bet that it’s in their early 20′s.
Here are some reasons behind my “25 Years Old = Classic Music” Theory:
-It’s a time in most people’s lives where you are vulnerable as a person, yet not ignorant to the world around you.
-You are transitioning from a young person to an adult.
-You are hungry for greatness, not fame.
-You don’t give a fuck what other people think about you.
These are all factors that make for the most relatable/timeless work when put into music form.
And the fact that artists are using these years to “grow” as an artist is fucking stupid.
Is turning 30 gonna make you a better artist? I don’t think so. That is such a pussy attitude to have… just in life in general.
Do you think when Tom Brady got his first start, he thought to himself, “This year doesn’t matter. It’s my first year.”
Fuck no, he won a Super Bowl in his first year. He stepped up when it was his opportunity, because that’s what the greats do.
And that’s what all the musicians I named above did. They were great when it was time to be great.
There is no age requirement for greatness in music. I strongly believe that.
It is such a fucked up frame of mind to think “my mixtape was good, so it doesn’t really matter with the album.”
And although that may not be what the artist is consciously thinking, that’s what the results appear to portray.
To me, mixtapes are the regular season, and albums are your Super Bowl or Championship.
And up to this point (about the past 8 years), every single musician has choked. They have all come out ring-less.
People will even make the argument that “Mixtapes are the reason for the average albums. The artists use all their good material on mixtapes to get a buzz.”
Well, what’s your explanation for 50 Cent? Because he practically INVENTED the mixtape game as we know it and he’s known for his first ALBUM, “Get Rich or Die Trying.”
I mean, there have been “good” albums in the past 8 years.. but are you willing to group any album in the past 8 years with the ones I mentioned above?
Because I’m not. Sorry.
All of this anger comes from my disappointment today when I heard the Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z song.
I was ecstatic to hear new music from JT after a 7 year hiatus. And instead of being disappointed in him, I realized, “Has music really been that average these past 7 years where I was waiting on Justin Timberlake and a 40 year old Jay-Z to give me good music?”
And the answer was YES.
Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake have done their jobs already. They delivered us classic albums that will be played for years to come. They left their impact on music when it was their time.
I realized that waiting on classic albums from established artists like Eminem and Jay-Z is ridiculous.
That’s like waiting for Michael Jordan to make a return to the NBA and have a 60 point game. It may be possible, but it’s unlikely to happen.
With that said, I shift my attention towards the current “up and comers” of the music industry.
How many more years are you willing to spend “growing as an artist”?
Or are you ready to be great right now?
Dump truck swimming pools. Potato guns. Cascade Slip N Slides… The MTV show Buckwild is here to stay.
As a resident of West Virginia and a writer (well sort of), I felt like I needed to voice my opinion on the show that dominates my Twitter timeline on Thursday nights. West Virginia is not always in the national spotlight, so the show has caused quite a stir in this state and much debate on whether it is good or bad for our “image”.
Before the show even started, WV’s own senator, Joe Manchin, called the show a “travesty”. He stated “”Instead of showcasing the beauty of our state, you preyed on young people, coaxed them into shameful behavior — and now you are profiting from it. That is just wrong … This show plays to ugly, inaccurate stereotypes about the people of West Virginia.”
With that said, what qualifies as “the beauty of our state”, Joe? Is it only the small 10% of our state that makes more than $100,000 a year? What is the accurate stereotype of our state, Joe?
Joe made assumptions about the show off of the previews. Does no one in West Virginia ride four wheelers? Does no one in West Virginia have potato guns? Does no one in West Virginia have an accent? By acknowledging these hobbies as “inaccurate stereotypes”, he has thrown a large portion of our state under the bus. West Virginia is a rural state and Joe Manchin is clearly out of touch with the state that he is the Senator of.
Joe Manchin is terrified of what the uneducated people of the rest of the nation think about us. The same people who think every person from New Jersey acts like Tony Soprano. The same people who think every person from Alabama talks like Forrest Gump. The same people who think every person from Louisiana acts and looks like the cast from Swamp People.
I hate stereotypes, because they are a myth created by stupid, ignorant people.
And this group of kids on Buckwild appear to be a respectable group of kids.
From what we know: 2 girls have jobs at a tanning salon, 1 young man works as a garbage man, and the other girl is in college.
Just because they aren’t doctors or lawyers does not mean they are West Virginia citizens that should be frowned upon….or West Virginians that don’t represent “us”.
It’s not like they are portrayed like the crew from “The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia”. For those of you who don’t know, this is a documentary about a family who was famous for their crimes, violence, and drug use in Boone County, West Virginia. (I happened to love this documentary by the way).
The point is, it’s entertainment.
And whether or not these people choose to live a different lifestyle than I live, I cannot be a “pro-West Virginian” and label these kids as “idiots” or a “travesty”.
So…. fuck Joe Manchin.
Anyways, I enjoy the show for the most part. I understand that the show is scripted to some degree because I have witnessed MTV in action myself when my friend was on the show True Life.
But I think the majority of the gang’s ideas and activities look fun as hell.
The dump truck pool was hilarious and creative. Sissonville roller coaster had me crying. The Cascade Slip N Slide is probably something that I will do in the near future.
Overall, the show is entertaining because of the people.
Anyone from West Virginia knows that the people are what make this state great. Shain, who appears to be portrayed as the most “country” of the crew, has a charm about him that you only find in West Virginia. To me, Jersey Shore didn’t have that character. Shain seems like the type of person that would do anything, for anyone.
Those are the type of people you meet in West Virginia; regardless of their accent, race, or economic status.
If West Virginia HAD to be labeled with a stereotype (which I hate), I would define it as follows.
West Virginia- where the people are friendly, the people work hard, and the people stick together. A place where the pride of the people speaks louder than the criticism of the rest of the world.
And that’s the beauty of our state, Joe.
It’s almost 12/21/12, and according to the Mayans, the world will end.
I dont necessarily believe that shit, but I think it’s important that we prepare for the worst and assemble a Dream Team in the fight to stay alive. This is the group of men and women that will be critical in keeping the human race alive. I only want winners on this team, cuz when you fightin to stay alive you aint got time for no fuckin losers.
Brad Stevens- Coach
The coach of Butler is exactly what the world needs in the worst of times.
My homie right here damn near won 2 national titles with the cast of “Superbad”.
All he does is win.
If they made him in charge of the fight against world hunger, every starving African boy would have an Olive Garden pasta fountain on tap in 3 weeks.
Spaghetti and lasagna just raining from the sky on starving children’s heads son.
Respect Brad Stevens the gawd.
Keanu Reeves- Captain
Do I think Keanu Reeves can act?
But do I think he’s the answer to all of our hopes and prayers if the world starts to end?
Just take the resume:
Matrix movies- saved the world
Speed- saved a bus full of people
Hardball- saved a struggling little league baseball team
Devil’s advocate- saved the world from Lucifer
The Replacements- saved a struggling football team
Lakehouse- went back in time and had sex with Sandra Bullock (i think thats what happened, i forget to be completely honest)
Constantine- I havent even seen this one, but Ima jus guess he fucked a girl then saved the world.
You see the pattern? No matter how bad of an actor Keanu Reeves is, he always gets the job done.
That’s why Keanu Reeves is the captain of my Dream team.
8 Year old Macaulay Culkin- Head of Security
Ay, I hope by 12/21/12 they got time travel so we can bring back this lil homie right here. I aint really trying to fuck wit the cracked out, anorexic, molly abusing, 4 loko drinking, 32 year old Macaulay
The 8 year old Macaulay tho?
Dude is an American bad ass.
Whole family left him alone to fend for himself while they were off enjoying shrimp and cocktails, and Mac held his own back at the crib like a mother fuckin G. It was the most merry time of the year and Mac was still on his cold-blooded shit dropping hot irons on dude’s faces.
If the world starts going to shit, I want someone like 8 year old Mac protecting my home yo.
His crib was harder to get to than the Holy Grail. Not only that, he wasnt even stressing while he was fuckin up grown ass men. While the criminals were trying to break into the his house, Mac was eating pizza, pounding Coca-Colas, and shaving his beard that didnt even exist yet.
Welcome to the Dream Team 8 Year Old Mac.
Ndamukong Suh- The Muscle
First of all, what kind of drugs was his mother on when she gave him that stupid ass name?
I still struggle to say that shit.
Anyways, I love this man’s intensity. He curb stomps people on a football field, what the fuck you think he’s gonna do when there are no rules, regulations, or laws?
I want this dude on MY TEAM
Kim Kardashian- The Bait
See, I said I only wanted winners on this team and Kim Kardashian clearly doesnt fit the description.
But when you really think about it, even the real Dream Team had Christian Lattener on it.
You need that loser on your squad that you can point to in times of low self esteem to think,
“You know what? Things are really bad right now. I SUCK………… (then you look at Kim)………. on second thought, I dont suck half as bad as Kim Kardashian does”
Other contributions she provides to the team
1. She’s hott
3. I dunno
But it seems like there always comes a time in the fight to stay alive where you have to sacrifice one of your team members.
Like… a group of zombies is running at you and you gotta give up a body to stay alive.
Kim is perfect for this because it would be a unanimous vote against her. Perfect for the rest of the team because it causes them no thought or stress.
Mayhem- The Kamikaze
Where Kim Kardashian wouldnt choose to die, you gotta have someone that is willing to die for the greater good of your team.
Mayhem from the AllState Insurance commercials is that guy.
He jumps off cars and building for the fuck of it, and I love that stupidity.
I could see this crew just contemplating a tough decision like
“Yo, one of us is gonna have to jump off this cliff into that water down there to see how shallow it is… which one of you wants….”
And before you even finished the sentence you would look back and this crazy mother fucker Mayhem would be like
Sometimes you gotta sacrifice yourself for the greater good of humanity son.
Lil B- The Camouflage
I think it has been well documented by now that wack ass rappers are indestructible.
THEY NEVER DIE.
Biggie and Pac cant live past 30. Kanye almost died in a car accident. Eminem almost overdosed.
But Lil B?
Dude’s worst health issue was a common cold and he hasnt even sniffed a near death experience.
If this crew would ever get into a war with another crew, I would have all the team members line up in a single file line behind Lil B and there wouldnt be a single casualty. Bullets would just be flying by as Lil B took a casual stroll through the warzone with that stupid ass shit eating grin on his face
Fuck Lil B, but this team aint about my personal feelings, its about survival.
Adam Schefter- The Communication
If there is anything in the world that is going down with any kind of relevance, you know damn well that my boy Adam Schefter is on it.
Im pretty sure Adam Schefter was the reporter who broke the Osama Bin Laden death.
As a matter of fact, I think Schefter’s source was Osama himself.
Right before the Americans broke in and fucked Osamas world up, Osama texted Schefter and said
“Ay Adam, its Osama. Im about to die. Tell America. Youre welcome… P.S. Is Mike Vick starting this week? I wanna fix my fantasy lineup before I go.”
Thats just the respect that he gets as a reporter. Before God takes lives, he usually pages Adam Schefter just to make sure its ok with him.
We need his journalism expertise and sources to be aware of the events goin on around the world.
Pharrell- The Entertainment
Im not necessarily a huge fan of Pharell, but when the world is ending, you’re gonna need someone to keep the morale of the group up.
Music is a great way to do that.
This dude Pharrel can make beats, play trumpet, trombone, guitar, sing, rap, dance, play harmonica, beat box… this dude does everything.
He doesnt serve a purpose besides that but we will just put him in the back of the group and he can bang on homemade drums and slap coconuts together to provide us with a dope ass soundtrack for the journey.
Martha Stewart- The Cook
Once again, not necessarily someone I like but shes important to the crew.
Shes a cook, and I want someone that can mix dog shit and tree bark together and still make it taste good. Martha can do that.
She also does interior decorating and can make the shelter feel like a home. She will play a great mother role to the crew.
Not to mention she did a prison sentence in West Virginia so you know she got that street cred too.
Morgan Freeman- The Immortal Team Member
When it all comes down to it, you need someone that will live on no matter what.
Thats why Morgan Freeman is on here.
The homie right here has been 65 years old for like 20 years.
Im convinced he is a robot or some shit.
Even if you google “young morgan freeman”, all you get is a guy that looks exactly the fuckin same.
I mean look at Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption in 1994
Now look at Morgan Freeman in 2012
wha tha fuck?
Not to mention that his narration will be FIRE over those Pharrell’s beats
AND THATS IT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.
That’s the The Dream Team to Fight the End Of The World.
I hope this isnt my last post ever.
If it is, I love all yall.
Keep your head’s high and your fucks low